Blessings and Curses

I've been working my way through a great book for about a month now. It's not a particularly long book, I could read a book of similar length in a week or less. But this book is written as a collection of short stories and reflections, and is so rich with wisdom and word pictures that I'm enjoying taking it a little bit at a time. The book is Cold Tangerines (celebrating the extraordinary nature of everyday life) by Shauna Niequist. I'll probably finish within the next few days and I look forward to more nuggets of wisdom from the book, but I thought I'd share one on here in the meantime. I feel like a combination of time to recover from the challenges of the fall and events like the holidays and baby pastor school have contributed to my improved attitude about my life and work. I have also truly been making an effort to keep things in appropriate perspective. I know more challenges will come my way, but I'm trying to gain what I can from this time and notice the moments of grace where I can. Shauna put it very well in a chapter called "blessings and curses". I wish I could share the whole chapter, but I think this paragraph sums it up pretty well.

"I would never try to tell you that every bad thing is really a good thing, just waiting to be gazed at with pretty new eyes, just waiting to be shined up and -- ta da! -- discovered as fantastic. But what I know is that for me... and for a lot of the people I love, we're discovering that lots of times, not every time, maybe, but more often than not, there is something just past the heartbreak, just past the curse, just past the despair, and that thing is beautiful. You don't want it to be beautfiul, at first. You want to stay in the pain and the blackness because it feels familiar, and because you're not done feeling victimized and smashed up. But one day you'll wake up surprised and humbled, staring at something you thought for sure was a curse and has revealed itself to be a blessing -- a beautiful, delicate blessing."

Not every curse becomes a blessing, but some of them do. And a lot of it is about what you learn and how you grow from these experiences. Its about becoming and being the person God has created you to be. Its about gaining hope for the future by seeing what you've made it through in the past. Today, I'm focusing on the blessings.

2011 Year in Review

I like the idea of an annual look back and documentation of the previous year. I did this on my blog last year for the first time, and thought I should continue it this year. Looking back over 2011, the highlights can be summed up with friends, travel, more "pastor firsts" and running.
Winter (Jan/Feb/Mar):
Baby Pastor School, made new friends, had visits from friends, hosted a Super Bowl party, spoke at a convocation at LTSP, and attended a quilting retreat at Lutherlyn
Spring (April/May/June): 1st place in my age group in a local 5k, visited family & friends and attended friends' wedding in MD, celebrated Dana's ordination, parents visited, first Holy Week as a pastor, SJAWE concert, attended LTSP graduation, first Confirmation as a pastor, took youth to Six Flags, bought a brand NEW CAR and FIRST TIME ON THE WEST COAST- vacation to Seattle and Holden with Mandy!
Summer (July/August/Sept): attended friends' wedding in PA, visits from parents and family, VBS, Confirmation Camp, presided over my first wedding, first Blessing of the Fleet as a pastor and "drove" the Coast Guard boat, ran the River to Sea Relay, went to a Phillies game, Hurricane evacuation, 1st ordination anniversary, ran the Akron Marathon, and celebrated my 30th BIRTHDAY with two parties!
Fall (Oct/Nov/Dec): visited family in MD, Ethics of Eating Hunger Leader training retreat, presided over my second wedding, visited friends in Philly, distributed food to the hungry in Camden, attended LBI Christmas parade, SJAWE concert, went home for the holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas)!
All in all, not a bad year. :)

12 for '12

Happy New Year!
Thanks to a little inspiration from some friends (especially http://thirtybefore.wordpress.com/), and my desire to make goals (not resolutions) for the year, I have created the following list (in no particular order)...

12 (mostly) new things for 2012:
1. Take swimming lessons.
2. Try a tri(athlon)
3. Go someplace in NJ I've never been.
4. Go somewhere outside of NJ I've never been.
5. Read (at least) 12 new books.
6. Try (at least) 12 new recipes.
7. Finish my "mystery quilt".
8. Finish painting and updating my bathrooms.
9. Play the piano regularly enough to re-learn Fur Elise.
10. Buy a new laptop computer.
11. Go on a date.
12. Find a spiritual practice that works for me.

Explanations:
1. I am an embarassingly poor swimmer. In order to do #2, I need to do #1 first.
2. Now that I've run a few half and full marathons, I think a triathlon would be a new fun challenge. I'm not starting with anything crazy, probably just a sprint distance.
3. Even though I've lived here a total of 2 1/2 years, and it's not a huge state, there's still a lot of New Jersey I haven't seen, and there are definitely places in my "1,000 places to see in the USA before you die" book that I haven't seen.
4. This could be just about anywhere, but might be my vacation destination. More to come later.
5. I've made it through a decent number of books lately and I'd like to keep it up. I picked 12 for the number theme I have going, and because it's means 1 book a month, which seems reasonable. AND I need to use my new Kindle!
6. See the explanation for #5.
7. I started my third quilt last spring at the Mystery Quilt Retreat at Lutherlyn. I didn't get much farther than where I was at the end of the retreat. Probably because I don't do much quilting or sewing when the weather is nice. But now it's winter again, so I'm busting out the sewing machine!
8. There have already been several improvements made to my bathrooms, including painting them this past summer. I need to do some touch-ups in both, and paint the medicine cabinet and sink cabinet in my master bathroom. This also seems like a good winter project.
9. I never wanted to be one of those people with a piano that just sits in their house as a piece of unused furniture, and I'm in danger of becoming just that. Just "play the piano regularly" didn't seem specific enough, so Mandy suggested I have the goal of playing a certain piece. When I took piano lessons in high school one of the first real pieces I learned, and soon memorized, was Beethoven's Fur Elise. I have slacked off in my piano playing so much that not only do I no longer have it memorized but I don't think I can even play it anymore (at least not well).
10. I've needed a new computer since seminary, but haven't really had the finances for it. I was able to borrow a refurbished laptop, but it isn't going to last much longer.
11. I have a pathetically non-existent love life. It's not like I'm swimming in eligible men, but I could probably make more of an effort. This is the goal I feel the most skeptical about. Any help?
12. Prayer is a regular part of my every day life. And I've practiced devotional reading off and on over the years, but I've never been very consistent with it. I think prayer is important, but I think I need to do something more on a regular basis to work on my spiritual health.

So Long, November

I haven't felt much like blogging lately (as noted by my lack of posts this month), but I didn't feel like I could let the whole month go by without a post. I'm not going into any details, but things at "work" have been pretty stressful and I've been putting in a lot more hours than usual, which is another reason I haven't been posting. I'm hoping that will change soon. In the meantime, I did have a really good Thanksgiving with my family in PA and Ohio. And I finally gave in and bought myself a Kindle (especially when I remembered I still had some money on a Target gift card). I'm pretty excited to play with it.

Try, Try Again

Today I tried using my breadmaker for the first time to actually bake a loaf of wheat bread. I've used it before, but just to make dough. Unfortunately, something happened and the machine either burned out or blew a fuse or something (still trying to figure that out) and I couldn't finish the baking cycle. It appeared that it had mixed everything together and the dough had risen, and it just needed to be baked. So I tried taking it out of the machine and putting it in the oven to bake. I'm not sure yet whether it worked, I think I have to wait for it to cool to test it. I also started a new knitting pattern today. I have some friends who I need to make some baby gifts for, and I decided to try some new items/patterns instead of making the same stuff I always do. In the (unlikely) chance that they read this, I'll have to wait until they get the gifts to post about them more specifically. These two things I've tried today are very small in the grand scheme of life, but it got me thinking about willingness to try. I think that maybe a big reason so many people are afraid to change or try new things is because of the possibility of failure. Nobody likes to fail, myself included, but if we live our lives out of fear we miss out on endless potential experiences. I think most of us could probably work more at trying new things, large and small.

Everything I Need To Know...

Sometimes people just make me crazy. I have a career/calling which requires that I interact with people a lot. Most of the time I don't mind. I do need my alone time every now and then, but generally I like being around people, learning their stories, building relationships, etc. Often I can just shake my head or let things go when I don't agree with people. But there are times when I just don't understand people. I believe in treating people well, in being polite, in using manners. Clearly I'm not perfect and I don't always treat people the way I should, but I try. And I know it's the right thing to do. I do not understand people who don't seem to care about another person's feelings. First, all human beings are connected. Second, if a person believes that we're all created and loved by God, then that gives us a responsibility to care about other people. So I REALLY don't understand "church people" who are rude or just downright mean to other people. Why can't we all just be respectful adults? There's that book or saying or something, "Everything I need to know I learned in Kindergarten." I think some adults, if they're going to act like children, should just go back to Kindergarten and re-learn their manners! I apologize for my rant, but I need to vent my frustrations.

Busy Days and Book Club

This week has been full with ministry, running and working out, and errands. I don't have much to write about today, I've been going all day and I'd rather spend the rest of the night relaxing and reading. I wanted to post something though since I've missed a couple days lately. I didn't post yesterday because I was having problems with my wireless internet connection... problems that I've been having most of the 14 months I've lived here. Verizon FINALLY sent a technician out today and he actually ordered us a new modem (which I'm pretty sure we deserved a year ago)! I hope this solves the problem.
On an exciting note, I've been talking with some women about starting a book club in the area and today we set a date for our first meeting next month, and picked "The Help" as our first book. Since it's so popular right now because of the movie we thought it'd be a good one to start with. Hopefully everyone can find a copy!

Serving

I was out at a local restaurant for dinner last night. Just like there are people who live on the island seasonally, there are also people who work here seasonally. My server last night was one of these and she admitted to me right from the beginning that she was new. This gave me a whole lot more sympathy for her than I may have had as she was not the greatest at her job. As I interacted with her and watched her serve other tables as well I was brought back to about 8 years ago when I was working as a server at Bob Evans. And then I got to thinking how being a restaurant server was good preparation for being a pastor. Both require a lot of remaining calm and polite and listening to complaints and apologizing for things that are often not your fault. Both require regular interaction with people. Both require confidence. Both are primarily based on serving. I know it's not really possible but I think it'd be good if everyone could experience working in the food service industry at some point in their life. It certainly has made me much more understanding and appreciative of those who serve me in restaurants. And who knew that all these years later I would realize that it taught me how to be a better pastor?
(PS - tip your waiters and waitresses well!)

Holden Village

Retreat: (1) an act or process of withdrawing especially from what is difficult, dangerous, or disagreeable, (2) a place of privacy or safety, (3) a period of group withdrawal for prayer, meditation, study or instruction under a director

All three of these definitions of the word retreat are appropriate explanations of what I did while on vacation at Holden Village in Washington. In previous posts I've alluded to both personal and professional issues/anxieties I had been experiencing before vacation, which, now that I've returned, have not been completely resolved. I have to admit that some of the appeal of vacation was the opportunity to retreat: withdraw from difficulties. The beauty of the time spent at Holden Village, a place where I had no access to the phone or the internet, meant that it was also a retreat: a place of privacy and safety. It might have been the first time since I started my call when I felt that, for an extended period of time, I was genuinely relaxed and allowed the freedom of not even thinking about the congregation. (There were of course times I thought about it a little when people asked what I did and I talked about being a pastor, but I didn't have to WORRY or plan.) It was also a time of retreat: prayer, meditation, study, and instruction. I did a lot of reading, some for fun and some related to faith and leadership. I learned how to weave on a loom. I did a lot of prayer/meditation/worship. And I was involved in discussions about living learning communities. I enjoyed my experience at Holden so much, that I didn't want to return to NJ. But I obviously did return, and now I'm trying to adjust to post-vacation work and life, while still reflecting and appreciating the blessing that Holden Village has been (and hopefully will be) in my life.

Letting it out

My life has been a rollercoaster these last few weeks, and it has felt like one LONG, continuous, tiring ride that has had a lot more scary and upsetting moments than fun moments. I don't mean to be a downer, I just want to be honest. And I hope that putting some of my feelings out here will be cathartic and helpful. Personally, my car saga has just been exhausting and ridiculous (it's almost funny how many loaner cars I've gone through), but I'm in the home stretch. I put a deposit down on a new car, one that was coming in but not on the lot yet, so now I'm just waiting for it to get here so that I can actually hopefully feel some excitement. Between the car payments I will now have and the amount of taxes I owe that I was not expecting, I have had to adjust my financial plan. But crap happens, and I will just make some changes and deal. I recognize that I could be in a far worse financial position. I am so grateful that I have a steady income. I have also had a lot of emotionally draining struggles within my congregation, some that have been building for a while and I think it all just came to a head within the last week or so. It's been really hard. But I think I'm at least learning from all of it. And I have some goals and things to focus on moving ahead. And Easter will be here soon! :) And then vacation soon after that! ;) I've also seen and felt God's presence during some of these really difficult times... in positive comments and support, in friends, in meals shared with others, in Scripture and prayer, and through running. :) And any of your thoughts and prayers are much appreciated.

The Lazy Song

Today I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to lay in my bed. Don't feel like pickin' up the phone, so leave a message at the tone. Cause today I don't feel like doing anything, nothing at all. (Bruno Mars - The Lazy Song)

Bruno Mars is one of my favorite newer musicians. I've liked almost every single he's come out with, and his latest single is fun and probably a little tongue-in-cheek. And today, it has been my theme song. I think everyone has days every now and then when they just want to be lazy, myself included. But today especially I really felt like doing nothing. In spite of my lack of motivation, I did get some work done today, but it wasn't easy. I just felt SO. TIRED. I think all the driving of the last couple days caught up to me. And I'm pretty sure I was also recovering (emotionally) from the car accident I had yesterday. Yeah. Thankfully, I am fine physically. And I didn't cause any damage to the car I hit (because it was a van). But I did do a decent amount of damage to the front of my car (hood, bumper, headlight). It was so stupid, I wasn't doing anything wrong, I just couldn't get stopped fast enough. It really was just an accident. I took my car in today and will hear back in the next day or so about the prognosis. I guess because it's old there's a possibility it might have to be totaled, but I'm really hoping that's not the case. I think she still has some life left in her! In the meantime, I'm driving a rental. I have a Jeep Patriot for now (because the options were pretty limited), which I have to admit is a pretty sweet vehicle, but I will probably end up trading it for something smaller with better gas mileage. So now I'm gonna try to relax, get to bed early, and hopefully feel better tomorrow.

A Look Back

2010 was a pretty big year for me, with some major life successes and transitions. In an effort to help me remember what happened, and to not let the "small" things get overshadowed by the big events, I took a look back over the year and recorded a month-by-month review. I won't bore you with that detailed review, because I'm pretty sure there are some things on it that will only be meaningful to me, but I thought I'd post my "summary" by season.

2010 Year in Review:

Winter (including some events at the end of 2009)
Celebrated the wedding of two seminary friends, survived "Snowmaggedon" parts 1 and 2 in Philly, began my final semester of seminary, learned I was assigned to NJ for my first call
Spring
Spent some time at the United Nations for a class, saw my college touring choir perform, attended two Phillies games, went sailing with friends, ran in the 10-mile Broad Street Run with 30,000 people (and 2 friends), attended the wedding of two more seminary friends, graduated from seminary with my Master of Divinity degree
Summer
Attended my 11-year high school reunion (yeah, weird, I know), moved and began my first call as pastor of a Lutheran congregation in NJ, attended my friend's baby shower and my cousin's daughter's 3rd birthday party on the same day, celebrated the birth of my cousin's second daughter, celebrated my 29th birthday, went tubing and parasailing, attended two Lakewood Blue Claws games (Phillies farm team), enjoyed visits from my parents and from friends
Fall
Began rehearsing with the South Jersey Area Wind Ensemble (the first instrumental ensemble I've been in since college), Ordained as a minister in the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, officially Installed as pastor of the congregation I serve, enjoyed more visits from my parents and other family, spent time at home with my mom as she recovered from hip surgery, and completed my first marathon in Philly

Companions on the journey

Living the life of a pastor can be lonely. This is pretty ironic considering that being a pastor means you are around people a lot of the time. And there are certainly many joys you share with people, but there are also challenging times and it takes a lot out of a person. I'm finding that I appreciate any opportunity to be around other pastors who understand what I'm experiencing. I am especially grateful for a group of women pastors I'm meeting with once a month to talk and eat and pray. It is good to know, when I'm feeling like this lone boat, that I have companions on this ministry journey. I thank God for my friends and colleagues.

Blustery Beginning

October got off to a wet, chilly start here at the shore. Four of the first five days of the month were the very definition of blustery. It made me think of Winnie the Pooh. :) I know we needed the rain, but there was so much of it, and it was so chilly that it made me want to stay inside. I spent last Friday, my day off, curled up with Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince (and I cried at the end). I'm not in a hurry to read the next one, because I know it's the last. Thankfully, there was a break in the rain on Saturday (that was the one day out of the first five) so I was able to get my long run in, and I did 18 miles! Then I came home and put my feet up and ate a big breakfast. :) Today was finally another warm, sunny day and Sadie and I took a lovely walk as the sun was beginning to set. Most of the rest of the day, and this week, was spent doing my typical pastor duties, although there really isn't too much about being a pastor that's typical! Life on the island has been a lot quieter lately, and honestly, is a little lonely at times. And I'm not exactly sure what, if anything, I can do about that. I also got some crappy news about a friend today, another reminder that life is definitely not easy. And all I can do is pray and trust that God is here. The winds blowing things around and mixing them up seem to be a bit of a metaphor for life, but they are also a reminder of the presence of the Holy Spirit.

The Day

A day that I will remember forever. When I became Ordained for ministry in the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America.

When I have challenging days, when I wonder why I'm doing this, when I feel alone, I will remember this day. And the support, love, and encouragement that surrounded me. God has called me and God has blessed me. Thanks be to God!

Butterflies

I am in a very weird place in my life right now. I moved out of my house in Philly almost two weeks ago, and I do not yet have a permanent place of residence. My original plan was to move back in with my parents for at least the summer and until I got called to a congregation. Well, now that I am in a call process with a congregation in NJ, I decided not to actually move my stuff just yet, so I am "staying" with my parents, and my stuff is all over the place. I have some things in my parents' house, I have my piano and a dining set that will likely become mine in a storage unit here in western PA, I have the rest of my furniture in a house on campus in Philly, and I have the rest of my "stuff" in boxes in the basement of the house I just moved out of. And even though I haven't officially been called to the congregation yet, I'm far enough along in the process that I will be starting very soon if they vote to call me, and so I have to make moving plans, even though I don't know for sure that I am moving to NJ! I was sitting in my parents' house today watching HGTV and working on some stuff and I couldn't figure out why my stomach felt so crazy, like I was nervous. And then I realized that the buterflies were probably due to all of the above. I'm a planner and the fact that things in my life are all up in the air right now is hard for me. I know that God is with me and things will all work out, but this waiting and not being able to do much about it is difficult.

Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Days of Summer

Well, I had been doing a decent job of posting more regularly, and then the end of the semester arrived, along with finishing assignments, filling out paperwork, graduating, visits from family and friends, making moving plans, celebrating, saying goodbyes, and enjoying my new-found "freedom". That's pretty much what my life's been about for the last few weeks. I graduated from seminary on May 21st, with my fellow classmates and friends, with my mom, dad, aunt, and best friend there to support me. I enjoyed a nice, but brief, visit with my aunt and parents, and then Mandy stuck around for most of the next week, since her last visit occurred during "Snowmaggedon" and we couldn't actually go anywhere. We spent some time at some shops in Chestnut Hill, up the street from the seminary, and we visited some of the typical touristy sites in center city Philly. We also attended the wedding of one my close friends from seminary, watched season 4 of Gilmore Girls, and each worked on a quilt. Mandy has several quilts under her belt, but I had yet to try one, so I was excited when she agreed to help me with my first. I found a design online that I really liked and she had the fun job of figuring out the pattern. We picked out some cute fabrics, and were able to complete the top of each of our quilts. I really like it, and I'll be sure to post a picture of it later. I'm waiting until I can get together with her again to finish it. Since she went back to western PA, I've been trying to find a balance between doing things I have to do: like starting to pack, and working on sermons for some guest preaching I'm doing, and things I want to do: like finally reading the Harry Potter series and working on some other sewing projects. I'm not sure I've found the right balance yet, but I'm working on it!

(*If you don't want to wait until I post a picture, you can see the quilt I'm working on at Mandy's blog, here.)

Stick a fork in me...

cause I'm done! As of this past Thursday, I have completed all of my papers/assignments for my final semester of seminary!! I still technically have two make-up classes to attend (one Monday and one Tuesday), due to snowmageddon. But I have nothing left to prepare for, write, or study! I was ready to celebrate after I turned in my last paper on Thursday, but then it was actually a very weird feeling once Friday rolled around and I had nothing to do. By Friday night, I was actually pretty bored! I know, rough life. I actually have about a million things I can do with my time now that I have some, I just don't know where to begin. For the past four years I've been in school (or internship) mode and I've pretty much always had something I needed to work on. So now that I don't have studying or writing or reading that I HAVE to do, I can actually do things and read things that I WANT to do and read. It'll just take some time for my brain to adjust again. Oh, transitions. I keep thinking it'll be nice when I'm settled someplace for a while and don't have to worry about major life changes... or will it? I guess that's what keeps us on our toes and keeps life so interesting, is all the changes and transitions.

Winter blues

I am definitely someone who is affected by the weather and sunshine, or lack thereof. I don't think it's quite to the point of a disorder (what's it called, seasonal affective disorder?), but how can my mood not be impacted by the mounds of snow and cold air and very little sun? Yes, I enjoyed the snow a bit, but now I'm annoyed, because I literally am limited to places I can walk to. My car isn't going anywhere anytime soon. Not only has my street not been plowed, but even the more traveled streets in the area are sheets of ice. So I'm antsy. Cause I'm stuck.

Honestly, it should be to my benefit that I'm stuck, because I have some assignments left from my January class that are due later this month. But, I'm lacking motivation. Instead I'm reading for other classes, doing my taxes, knitting (working on a hat for myself, and trying to finish a prayer shawl), and, of course, blogging.

I'm also antsy because Assignment Day looms and draws ever closer. Assignment Day is the day when all those ELCA seminarians who have been approved for ordination and are entering the call process will be assigned to a Region of the country (and then a Synod). And Assignment Day is coming up on Tuesday. I really do trust the process, and I know that God will use me wherever I end up. However, this does not completely alleviate all anxiety, for me, or my classmates. It will all work out, it will. But that doesn't mean it will be easy.

Time

Time is a funny thing, isn't it? It's been on my mind a lot lately, in my daily pondering and in the class I'm taking on the lectionary and the church year. Time in the church is a strange thing because we live in this "already, not yet" kind of place, where we know Jesus has already lived, died, and raised from the dead so that we may have life. But we also live in a world of conflict and we hope for the day when God will bring about a new peaceful creation. We also celebrate these events in Jesus' life and the life of the church each year, events that have already happened, and are still happening as we live our lives and be the church. We read God's story in the Bible, but we are also part of the story. God's not done yet! The way time in the church or the church year goes also reminds us not to fall into the trap of constantly waiting for the next thing in life. I am thankful for that. I know I need to be reminded all the time to appreciate the time we're given now and take each day as a blessing, because I'm often looking forward to things coming up in the future. And then, before I know it, I blink and the days, months, years are gone.
What are you thankful for today?